Wicked Attitude

When I was young, I knew that what was expected of me was that I would get married, have children and live the whole “American dream” with the 2 kids, dog, big house, minivan and whatever else the 70’s/80’s mentality I grew up with pushed.  I too thought this was how I would spend my adulthood until I met my husband.  See, I could see a future with him but when I really got into my teen years I started questioning if children were a part of the “dream” that I really wanted.  I was 17 when we started dating and literally I told him after a month that I didn’t know if I wanted kids and if that was important to him he might want to go elsewhere.  Well at 19 he was going to say when he needed to in order to get in the drawers.  That’s fine.  But this was a feeling that didn’t change in me as we dated and eventually got engaged.  He said he didn’t need kids to be “whole” and he was really supportive regardless.  What I found to be so interesting and ultimately highly intrusive was how as soon as we were engaged and well into the first few years of our marriage people felt they had the right to grill us about when we were starting a family.

Of course, the most pressure came from our respective mothers.  We lucked out with his mom because he had other siblings she could torture.  I, on the other hand, was the last of the line.  My mom was desperate to have grandkids to spoil and I told her there were plenty of nieces and nephews (some now with babies of their own) so go at it.  The second runner up behind the mothers were women at work.  I dreaded people getting pregnant at work because I knew eventually they’d come to me asking when I was going to pop one out, tell me what a great mother I’d make and then I’d have to politely but firmly defend why my able uterus was not going to be occupied.  It was seriously frustrating and felt like a complete invasion of my privacy.  Worse was some people accused me of being selfish!  Oh okay, so it’s not selfish that some people are on their 4th and 5th kids that have no money, are sucking the system of which I pump MY tax dollars into and haven’t learned how to use a condom or keep their legs closed?  I’M the selfish one??  Puh-leez!  I’d say talking about our choice every 6 months since our 12 years of marriage is about the least selfish thing we can do!

The funny thing is people automatically assume that because we don’t have children means we don’t LIKE children.  I like children just fine…well behaved, respectful children.  Just because I have no children does not mean I don’t revel in the smell of a freshly bathed baby, love feeling them cuddled up next to me, like playing with them, seeing things as simply as they do.  Childless does not mean heartless.   But as time progresses and children of today have schedules at the age of 5, cell phones by 8-10 and worries about being cyberbullied by 12 and the rest of the muck that goes along with so called “childhood” these days, it only reinforces we made the right decisions for US.  I know, I know…”it’s different when it’s your child”, “you’ll never know that love that is so above anything you’ve ever felt”, “what if your mom had chosen not to have you?”  I’ve heard ‘em all.  (And if my mom hadn’t had me then I wouldn’t be here to have the whole guilt thing thrown at me so- non issue!)   Stop trying to talk me into the wonders of parenthood and why I’d regret not taking the plunge.   If I regret it, I regret it.  It’s no one’s concern but ours.  I don’t tell parents all the reasons we choose to not have kids and expect they’re going to give up custody because something I said clicked!  Yeesh!  I also don’t mention how many parents seem to have a labotomy the second the kid comes along.  I cannot count how many times I’ve seen parents go in with a game plan as to how they’ll parent this child and they turn to utter mush.  I like whatever lobe of brain allows me to be objective.  I don’t want to lose that because with pushing out babies you gain “parent ears.”  The selective hearing process in which your child is screaming at the top of its lungs in the cart and you pretend you don’t hear it.  Or the part where you allow a child to wreck things in a store or at someone’s house and don’t make them pick up.  I’m a believer in consequences and it doesn’t involve trying to rationalize with a 2 year old or screaming at the top of my lungs stressing myself out.  I just don’t have it in me and I know that.  Hubby is actually now more against it than I am.  I’m not tooting our horns but I wish every parent out there would’ve given it as much thought as we did/do.

If you’re a parent, God bless ya.  You’ve got the hardest job in the world and I know it, which is why I didn’t sign up for it.  As a gal in my early 30’s I am not the only one who feels this way as none of my close friends have children.  It’s the dream for many but not all and those who choose to not partake in the whole parenthood thing shouldn’t be valued any less because they didn’t push a human out of their vagina.  People act like if you don’t have children you have no right to comment on anything having to do with children.  They need to get over themselves.  There are plenty of times I’ve been able to give outside perspective to a parent they later thanked me for.  I don’t give it unsolicited but if everyone’s commenting, I don’t consider not being a part of that club as an automatic exclusion.  I’m still human and still have just as valid points to make as someone who has children in their life.  I know plenty of people who have children who have no business having them.  I know plenty of bad parents including my own father but luckily for me I had a mom that was able to make up for that.  I cannot count how many relatives, friends and co-workers who have said “I love my kids BUT if I had it to do over, I probably wouldn’t have kids.  Good for you for not caving”  I think a lot more people feel that way than they admit because they’re afraid it will make them look like bad people. 

Do I know I’d be a good mom?  Hell yes I would.  Would my husband be a good dad?  Without a doubt.  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  We’re perfectly content being an aunt/uncle/cousin and giving these kids in our lives people to talk to and even look up to I’ve been told by a few.  :)  I don’t try to tell them not to have kids.  I tell them to do what makes them happy and if being a parent makes them happy, great.  

To those parents out there busting their asses trying to make sure their kids grow up with some values, morals and respect–BRAVO!!!  We need more of you out there because as we all know the child’s behavior is a reflection on the parents which is why I don’t want to smack the kids that are screaming but their parents who are allowing it to happen.  Keep up the good work and those of us without kids will happily leave it up to the pros!

(If you were somehow offended by this entry and skipped over where I do in all seriousness praise the good parents out there then I’ll have to assume your kids are some of the ones out of control and no one’s had the nerve to tell you.)