We recently had an incredibly long travel day with United Airlines. Well it would’ve been a long travel day with any airline but I’m calling out United due to a bitch you’ll encounter when we’re on the San Francisco part of the story. I should’ve known it was going to be a particularly stellar day when while on the flight from Hawaii to San Francisco we were seated behind a grotesque couple in their late 50’s who insisted on french kissing the first 20 minutes of the flight. Yeah, picture that for a second. Your mom or grandparents depending on your age going at it like a pubescent horndog and hair chewing child bride. It was as horrific as it sounds. As if that wasn’t bad enough…
the woman would turn around and look at me if I spoke to my husband or would get something out of my bag. Hello!? I pay for first class in hopes I don’t have to deal with assholes like that!! Finally after I shot her 3 dirty looks in which I looked her right in the eyes and practically snarled, she got the hint to keep her eyes to herself. I had to make up a backstory about them to my husband to keep myself from beating her firmly about the head and neck. She looked a little younger than him, maybe by 10 years, could’ve been more but she was truly so unfortunate looking that she could’ve looked her age had she just tried. (No make up, wearing a hair clip from the 80’s and a more loud form of aloha wear that is geared specifically for annoying tourists like them) My backstory was that she was actually the former best friend of his daughter who had a school girl crush on him back in the day and after a class reunion or some sort she went back to her friend’s parents house with her since they still lived in the area of the high school. When the daughter woke up, she went into her dad’s room to find her friend in bed with her dad. They don’t speak anymore and they had a quicky McWedding in Vegas and were in Hawaii for their honeymoon thoroughly grossing out everyone in view with their tongue action. The sad thing was going to be in 6 years, he was going to realize his mistake with her, want a divorce and it would get ugly of course. Just before he was ready to change his will to leave her out of it instead of leaving everything to her (he hadn’t had her sign a pre-nup because his brain was hazy from his erectile dysfunction drugs at the time) he has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The daughter is banned by the woman at the hospital because she says her lack of support of their marriage only upset her dad and he didn’t need that. Wife is given the decision to pull the plug or not and when she verifies with her lawyer the will was never changed, she yanks the guy off life support and gets everything. I had a 5 hour flight ahead of me, what do you want??
So we arrive in San Francisco and head to our other gate. I hate when people start lining up at the gate. We stand up at the gate because we’ve got 11 hours of sitting ahead of us but we never go stand in line because it just makes you look like an ass. So many people have gotten in front of us at this point, we are now technically in line for first class. All business travelers…you know the kind with their bluetooth jammed in their ears like douche bags or talking loudly so everyone can hear their conversations? They looked like omnibots. So Mr. and Mrs. I’m-So-Cool-I-Need-To-Speak-Loudly-To-Appear-Important saunter up behind us and the guy looks at us and says “this whole line can’t possibly be for first claaaaass”. My husband under his breath said “oh yes it is.” Me? I was irritated enough to actually flip around to her face and say “as a matter of fact it is.” I heard her say to her Abercrombie man “she’s sweet” to which I retorted sarcastically “I get SWEETER!” They pretty much shut up. So when we travel we each have the 2 bags you’re allowed to have. A “carry on” and “personal item” such as a purse, backpack, etc. Well my tote is always a little heavier so my husband will lift the roller handle up on the carry on and put a strap of my tote over it and wheel them both together while we have our backpacks on. (Yes ladies, chivalry is not dead) We give the guy our ticket and as we’re getting ready to go on the jetway this big African American lady who looks like she’s a bouncer for a bar says to my husband “you’d better check that.” We looked at each other like “huh?” She said “you can’t have 3 bags!” He pointed to the tote and said “this goes in front of us” basically telling her that we were together, do the math without actually saying that because they kick people off flights for looking at them cross eyed these days. She looked at me and said “you’d better grab it or I’m gonna check it.” So he stares her straight in the eyes without breaking the gaze and removes the tote and hands it to me and we start walking down the jetway. He said the look on her face was like he was trying to be a complete and total dick but he wasn’t. SHE was the one making a big deal out of him carrying my bag for me. We both kind of braced as we walked because we didn’t know if she was going to chase us down or not. The next thing we hear is her booming voice over the loudspeaker saying “if you have three bags, I WILL stop you and you WILL check that 3rd bag.” (Obviously she didn’t grasp basic math between 2 people but whatever) So guess who gets stopped and has to check their 3rd bag? Yep, Mr and Mrs Abercrombie. Heh heh heh.
On our third and final flight, we had a screaming 4 year old for 3 hours. Parents, do everyone else on the plane a favor. You know that inevitable cold your kid picks up that requires liquid Tylenol with coedine? SAVE SOME FOR TRAVEL DAYS. I’m not just thinking of me, I’m thinking of you. You’ve read the stories how passengers have complained about the kids being out of control and the next thing you know they’re booting your whole family off of the plane leaving you stranded. So do yourself and the good people who paid money to travel with some semblance of peace and slip them a little coedine so they sleep during the flight. It’s not like I’m telling you to slip your kid crack or something, this is prescribed by the doctor, follow the instructions and spend your flight with your sleeping angel on your lap instead of being spit on or hissed at by other passengers when you take them to the bathroom.
Finally we get home and they finally get their heads out of their asses about where our luggage is coming in at and after standing there for 10 minutes, the hubby (a very mild mannered, no boat rocking, go with the flow kind of guy) sees our bags. There’s our bag, a small one in between and our other one. The owner of the smaller bag pushes his way to the belt and he can’t even lift his little bag off of the belt. (He’s maybe 62-65) He tries several times and is now causing a HUGE pile up of luggage behind him. So my husband reaches around him to get our bag and kind of nudges his bag toward him so he can actually get it instead of continuing to struggle with it. Apparently he took my husband’s gesture offensively because as hubby was walking away he says “what an ASSHOLE!” really loud. That was the straw that broke the mellow mannered man’s back. My husband who had both bags in the air (100 lbs worth of luggage) trying to get through the crown throws them down on the ground and yells “I’M the asshole? You couldn’t even pick up your damn bag and were causing a back up! I was trying to help you!” Old man replies he didn’t need his help and called him an asshole again. I run over because its one thing I know about my sweet baby, when he gets completely pissed (which takes a LOT) he loses all sense about when he should walk away. Hubby says “we’ve both had a long travel day and just want to get home so don’t go taking your issues out on me Dick!” More words were exchanged by both parties and it ended up with both wives dragging their husbands off. Hubby is trained in martial arts so he would NEVER throw the first punch but the thought of him beating up an old man who was trying to prove he wasn’t too old to take a whippersnapper to task wasn’t something I wanted to put in the Christmas card this year. We just wanted to get the hell out of there before old man douche bag decides he wants to press charges or something. (Not that there was anything to press charges over but still) At least the other passengers got an interesting story to tell the people picking them up at the airport.
Wake me when they perfect the whole Star Trek transporter thing.
Recent Comments